Интересно когда время и место наконец-то совпадают, два человека наконец-то начиют свое нечто. Как-то это прекрасно! Только у меня этот псевдо кашель. Милый был вечер, утро, ночь. Спасибо всем классным человекам в моей жизни!

Another moment when I feel that writing here is a good idea, but this space has become a lot less private, much like myself. My mind has been blank for the past months and I don't think that I will change that anytime in the near future. This makes conversations hard- I can't connect to anything, so nothing seems interesting or worth hearing. I push myself to keep myself open- to not be closed to feelings and closure, to stop myself from destroying friendships. The more I talk to people, I feel, the more aggressive I become, it's like there's some dark fucked up psycho bitch inside of me. Starting to understand the meaning of the phrase "fighting your own demons". I wonder who'll win...
Nonetheless, seeing someone special today and talking to her and coming home, knowing that she's there makes me feel increadibly happy! Something real :D

Welcome back, Poli!

Какое же классное чувство когда наконец-то берешься за ум! Как оказалось это гораздо легче чем я себе представляла... Все что нужно это уделять время любимым занятиям. Боже ты мой! Надеюсь я опять не потеряюсь.

И опять.... Есть ли в этом мире что-то настоящее? Что-то стоящее в этих людях.. и так возвращаешься к тому что, твоя семья- твое все. Единственные люди, которым на тебя не похуй. Хотя мне просто повезло с семьей.

And once again, I'm just filled with anaesthesia. Or novicane whatever suits.
Everything is idle, I think I'm a bit lost. There ain't anything bad, other than hurting other people- don't do it, please. Just don't.

Reflecting on your self from a year ago? Is there any point? Really, I said it before and I'll say it again: no, there isn't- put the past in your behind.
It's time to express unimportant pointless thoughts that I most definitely don't want to discuss with anyone.
I have no idea what's happening. I've been a stuck up distant fuck for so long. I always feel that if I wait just a bit longer it will pass. But I have been neglecting all and any intimacy for the past forever. My family above all. The only true human thing that I have is my family and I've been arrogant and stuck up.. fuck, why?
Maybe it's because of my lonesomeness? I know that anything I have to do, I have to do myself. I am on my own, there's no warm feeling to come back to. If I want to stay fit, if I want to achieve anything, there isn't any artificial happiness or motivation to look up to or rely on.
I feel that everything I do is directly related to people- I like people, however at the same time it's like I'm giving more and not focusing on the things I should focus on, like physics. I guess it's a phase I need now.

Интересно. Чем ближе к Вене, тем ближе опять становятся некоторые люди ( не только из-за расторжения между рядами кресел, которое експоненциально уменьшилось между боэнгом 737-800 в Москву и этим же прекрасным судном в Вену). Этому есть уйма причин, от того что жить нужно там где ты находишься здесь и сейчас, до, своего рода, инстинкта приспособления- желания не выделяется из толпы, опять таки же великое желание быть признанным социумом, и конечно же, до (о, присвятые сосисочки!) внеочередному возврату сознания в мою сущность.
При этом, в целом я опять таки же убеждаюсь в том на сколько все незначительно. Есть куча людей и куча событий имеющих смысл и какую-либо важность, только в ситуациях, придуманых и накрученных нами же самими. Ничего нового, но все же, как-то это очень ярко ощущается последний месяц. Какая-то я инфантильная последнее время, но как же это приятно!

So yeah, goodbyes are cool and they work. This goodbye wasn't 100% staged by me and we needed to go through all of that shit to end up where we started, just better. Once again THIS is the end of that chapter. And a welcome back, Poli! I learned a lot and, writing some feedback here, there's a lot to be implemented or to be looked out for. Don't lose you.

It's important to say goodbye. There are different ways of doing that. I think that there really has in fact been just one single time that my goodbye has been a proper one: both of us knew how necessary it was, I guess. Both of us were desiring that goodbye for a while then. So we did the only completely sincere and honest thing, unlike our other interactions.

All my other goodbyes end up in explosions. I burn all the bridges and break all contact, then a few days later realize, that, hey, maybe I was too harsh. But one can never go back.

And I never see why people are so stuck up about it. I mean, they hurt me, I hurt them back- we're even.

Find your power animal ;)

Focus...
Here's the cool- keep it...
Focus...
No need for control...-->  Yes for strength.

FOCUS

Есть ли здесь что-то настоящее, эй? Что-то стоящее? Эй!

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