The fact of the matter

Fuck. It's all fuck. 

Since I've been back I've had an itch that turned into a hurricane. A void of darkness, dark blue, purple  twirling round in my chest. Growing bigger, deeper and darker. More intense. I didn't know why. I think I know. It's a familiar feeling, that I've forgotten. But this time it's more fucked. 

I was sure this wouldn't happen. Where the hell has my head been the last month? I've let myself go. I want to be enough. I want to be good. I want to be recognised. The feelings mixed up with the attention and the looks you've been giving me. Your genius. Your freedom. The way you look at me and melt. The fact that you told me many times how you feel. Why did it have to get physical? Above all, why do I care? I'm so much more physical with so many more people.

There is a me, which I find to be quite desperate for love and recognition. A me that wants to be close to others. To be with them. To feel them as ones own. That me was gone and silent for 1.5 years and that feeling was great. Now the only excuse is my relationship. Excuse or worse, misinterpretation. The flirting has been let loose and I judge it for being petty. I'm not sure how petty. 

Nonetheless, I digress. The fact of the matter is: I like a small, skinny dude. Who may or may not have confessed his love to me through many ways. Who may or may not like me back. I am in deeper than I'd like to be. I should cut it off and detox while I'm still in the lead. As I said today, this seems a lot like a pattern I don't want to repeat. My always doubt was that he is of completely different culture and I don't know him or people like him so I should not jump to conclusions. Nonetheless, it isn't hard to fall for me. What's hard is committing and I don't think I can fall for a close proximity associate that cannot even commit. Even though he could make the top 3 list. I do like you.

Two years and two months ago one of the greatest experiences of my life has started. I had no idea just how much it would mean to me and how much impact it will have on me. How much positive impact, above all. You have helped me rid myself of so many qualities that I did not need. With you I stopped being needy. I gained confidence. I lost weight. Stopped clinging to social interactions and could focus on my goals. With you I reached heights I've only dreamed of reaching. I don't think about this enough but it is true. I've blamed your presence in my life for feeling lonely, for fear of not "trending". I worried too much that we aren't intellectually compatible (as people with different interest and ways of thinking). I focused on you not being flexible enough. It's easy to forget the impact you had on me during the first year of our relationship. I think the problem is that I'm not sure you're still having the same impact... or if it is possible to revive it... I know I stopped having that sort of impact on you long ago. I don't want to lose you, partly because I'm afraid of who I will become without you. But we should talk. I love you, regardless and you are forever the best person in my life!