Inspirations

Today you told me you might leave. I think the main reason I messaged you is because I wanted to know the status quo. Of course with you no decision is final and an idea may never be realised. You're like that, uncertain, unsure. Of course, this changes nothing. You're no closer to me here than in Sri lanka. Why am I still so hung up on you? I don't like you, I don't talk to you and, the way you are now, I am not driven to you or attracted to you (I think... I don't see you, so hard to tell). I most definitely don't love you. I'm hurt, because you tore you out of my life as if you were never part of it. I am so angry at you, for so much! For lighting up my life and then disappearing. For appearing again and slowly and steadily tearing my trust apart. For resurrecting as a 12 year old and showing me how much you don't care. For wanting me. For being the happiest around me. For contradicting yourself. For never trying. For making me think of excuses, of reasons to blame you. For using you as a token for everything I regrettably don't have, when I really have so much more! For associating with my breathing space, my freedom. When I know I've been a lot more trapped with you on my mind. I hate so much about us. I hate holding onto this as the best thing that has ever happened to me, as in reality the best thing is that it ended. You are so much of what I admire, I try to convince myself that my respect for you is gone. For now I love you. A mechanism I use to protect myself of what is real. I love you- the ideal, the idea I build in my head piece for piece, phrase for phrase. Nothing. An ideal that won't let me be, because an ideal can never impose on your free time, your interests, your priorities and plans. 

The human desire for social interaction and company is grossly underestimated. Loneliness- one of those things you don't know you're uncomfortable with unless you feel it. Of course this isn't true for everyone. I, for one, get very uneasy and eager for human interaction as soon as I am the only human left in my apartment. Boom. And I get an overwhelming need to meet people, many people, different people. I need action and I need it now, I want the world to move and rumble and jamm around me. I want life to be a crazy adventure. Of course, still having exams and a strict training schedule that doesn't allow for consumption of intoxicating substances does get in the way of quality party time...

The part I find most excruciating in it's silent pain is waking up after someone is gone, it may be a friend, who came for a visit, parents... or an end of relationship. The first nap I take brings about a painful realization that they're gone and I'm alone.    

Month 4

I heard you say "writing about things clears your head" I thought it funny, as I wrote so many times about you. Twas a day of confusion and misunderstanding, in a week of stress and distractions. I guess. Not as dramatic as it sounds, but you get the gist. I saw you today again, you were nice, as a friend may be, you provided good distraction, we spoke, we danced, we sang, was almost fun, was almost friends, was very almost. The "friendship" after every ended "relationship", if dealt with in the poorest of manners, brings about the numbing realisation that the part of "you" in "him" (or wise versa) that made you feel so whole in this world is dead... Or dying. Trust, my friend, trust. Without trust there cannot be truthfulness, without truthfulness there's no reality, so no matter how much we vibe when we meet, there's nothing real or worthy in our interactions. As a wise woman once said " I don't want to invest time in someone who won't be part of my life tomorrow." And you won't be part of my world today, because a few minutes is how long it takes for us to diverge. Still, does take it's toll on my emotional energy. Two can be a very lonely number, much like three. A pointless, senseless three. Underlining the one and only one. The one that is looking for feelings as a sense of purpose. Feelings that aren't allowed or unable to develope, isolation. Discipline. Courage. Focus. I allowed so much to get in the way of what I really want. Just because of a boy, because of me. I guess I wanted something when it wasn't there, I felt a connection that never went as deep as I'd thought, this stops me. People who think are cautious, cautious people will hide for as long as they are young. There is no middle point it seems like it is pain or boredom. For now just take what is given and let go.