Dear Bob,

My sanity is fading. All of my definitions of "happiness" are re-defined. The world is changing, times are changing. Although, of course there's nothing new to this statement. This years goes out to show that the problem has always been me. I effect those around me and attract them into my life and sometimes they get damaged in the process, not without experiencing something good for themselves, however. I am drained. I am so far beyond being lost- I have been lost many times over for many many years, finding stability and then drifting away from it, only to enter a maze of all-consuming adolescent emotion. I've made so many loops around that maze, I've gotten to the center and reached the last trap door near the exit- the one with the big scary monster, you know him...or her? So now I'm here feeling empty, feeling useless, feeling unloved and annoyed by myself and the spineless image of what is projected of me as a person. I am so tired of fighting of feeling extra down. It's time for a change. It's time to focus on myself. So Bob, if you don't hear from me soon, you know where I'll be. I need this time and I need this space. Happiness and euphoria will come again, I don't know when or ever, but for now, it's time to embrace the sadness-so it guide me out of here.

Sincerely,

Alice   

For some reason Tears in Heaven seems to be the soundtrack of my thoughts right now. What thoughts and why? I don't know... things have been spiralling recently. I'm quite lost and confused and alone. I don't think that even I am here for me. There are many me's lost around everywhere. I broke up with him and that was my decision (sound track mixes with Your Decision by Alice in Chains). The little part of stability, that was present in my life seems to have been shattered. What for? That is the question. A part of me is very happy and wondering why I haven't done this earlier, the other part is completely lost and once again sees a little delusional girl facing the world, always having hopes, naively believing in people and the potential for a connection. It's always all bullshit and we are born alone and die alone, confusion is normal, maybe one day I can be a good physicist and use my lack of any fucking human relationship to focus on physics. If my brain is even wired that way. So far it seems that all it's wired for is depression and self indulgence in a pit of decisions and loneliness. I don't know if I am what people define a "good person", I do know that I'm too much and too self-indulgent. Maybe I should fix that... focus on face smashing and maths. Disappear in those realms. Fuck off. Get lost and stop. fucking. indulging.  

Tis' the season

Man, can looking at things in hindsight make one cringe! The naïvete I've yet again expressed. Naïvete is beautiful nonetheless and there are no regrets there. It doesn't take much to not trust someone that's true. Nor does it take much to realise you practically don't know the person. At all. Their motives are no longer even remotely clear. Nor are they now even interesting. You still talk to me, noot because you like me or trust me that much- I may have a different part to play. However, I think you still talk to me because I wasn't there. Would you have discarded me like everyone else otherwise? Or are you already doing this? I'm just too persistent to realise and you didn't have a good enough excuse to not reply? Either way, tis' all history and all's yesterday's news. Have a good month and we'll see how things go later. 

The fact of the matter

Fuck. It's all fuck. 

Since I've been back I've had an itch that turned into a hurricane. A void of darkness, dark blue, purple  twirling round in my chest. Growing bigger, deeper and darker. More intense. I didn't know why. I think I know. It's a familiar feeling, that I've forgotten. But this time it's more fucked. 

I was sure this wouldn't happen. Where the hell has my head been the last month? I've let myself go. I want to be enough. I want to be good. I want to be recognised. The feelings mixed up with the attention and the looks you've been giving me. Your genius. Your freedom. The way you look at me and melt. The fact that you told me many times how you feel. Why did it have to get physical? Above all, why do I care? I'm so much more physical with so many more people.

There is a me, which I find to be quite desperate for love and recognition. A me that wants to be close to others. To be with them. To feel them as ones own. That me was gone and silent for 1.5 years and that feeling was great. Now the only excuse is my relationship. Excuse or worse, misinterpretation. The flirting has been let loose and I judge it for being petty. I'm not sure how petty. 

Nonetheless, I digress. The fact of the matter is: I like a small, skinny dude. Who may or may not have confessed his love to me through many ways. Who may or may not like me back. I am in deeper than I'd like to be. I should cut it off and detox while I'm still in the lead. As I said today, this seems a lot like a pattern I don't want to repeat. My always doubt was that he is of completely different culture and I don't know him or people like him so I should not jump to conclusions. Nonetheless, it isn't hard to fall for me. What's hard is committing and I don't think I can fall for a close proximity associate that cannot even commit. Even though he could make the top 3 list. I do like you.

Two years and two months ago one of the greatest experiences of my life has started. I had no idea just how much it would mean to me and how much impact it will have on me. How much positive impact, above all. You have helped me rid myself of so many qualities that I did not need. With you I stopped being needy. I gained confidence. I lost weight. Stopped clinging to social interactions and could focus on my goals. With you I reached heights I've only dreamed of reaching. I don't think about this enough but it is true. I've blamed your presence in my life for feeling lonely, for fear of not "trending". I worried too much that we aren't intellectually compatible (as people with different interest and ways of thinking). I focused on you not being flexible enough. It's easy to forget the impact you had on me during the first year of our relationship. I think the problem is that I'm not sure you're still having the same impact... or if it is possible to revive it... I know I stopped having that sort of impact on you long ago. I don't want to lose you, partly because I'm afraid of who I will become without you. But we should talk. I love you, regardless and you are forever the best person in my life!

Drunken nights, letting lose..

in another world I am content and we are happy
we are the final act of this story. you and me.
we will move in together, sure we will work on our differences.
I no longer want anyone else. nor do I desire to dance with anyone else.
the only body is your body and that is all.
we love each other as we did in the first months. making up for all the years we were loving other people. we talk. we talk so much. even if we don't, we don't care.
for all that matters are the hours we spent cuddled up, watching TV, hearing each other breathe.
I wish we loved each other enough to spend each minute with each other.
to never let it end. to always talk. and kiss and touch.
I would tell everyone about us, or there would be no need.
I'd never think of letting lose or talking up anyone else.
I'd forget about him and his intellect.
I'd never want to kiss him. only you.

I wish that somewhere we do...

Dear Friend take 2

Today I dreamt if you, it took 1 hour for you to show up in my dream. All you did was touch me and that was enough. Enough to set the mood for all of my waking moments. They say we dream of the people that miss us. Do you? Why would you? You barely know me. But then again, I barely know you. Unlike you, I have relatively little to lose. On the other hand it is all relative and I know that dreams will stay just what they are. There are too many complications that lead me to a flowing cloud of ether- my emotions.