"Things seem so simple when you are younger" we challenge close to nothing, take all principles of human interaction as a given and if we don't accept their enforcement we just get sad or experience agitation that is usually described by "they are mean" or " they are stupid" or "I don't like them".

Then suddenly for your 18th, 19th, 20th Birthday you are hit with a marvelous present: here's a brain, now it can generate weird thoughts, make you feel like nothing around you is real, has any meaning and neither do you or any of your petty efforts. Now this brain will work in this direction, regardless of your own personal desires, in fact it will encourage all of your mood swings, panic attacks and cowardice, as well as narcissism and hatred. 

Nonetheless, it also makes you analyse and process the information you are getting, instead of merely accepting it or going along with it. That way we get the great opportunity to become self-aware and work on our impulses. Finding the causation of an emotional reaction is to me very satisfying, like solving a little puzzle, at times it distracted me from acting upon my impulse now, the knowledge, that I will in a few minutes find the true reason for my reaction, which in turn will amount to my self-indulgence or the very apparent human self-centeredness, makes me reconsider my decisions and avoid public confrontation. I've lately decided that the said selfishness of most humans in a lot of daily situations, our self-absorbed anger at the rest of the species for not being smarter, is so ridiculous and counter-productive, that it gives me more discomfort to act upon it, than putting it out quietly and peacefully within myself, which coming from one overly self-absorbed human with anger management issues, is no pieceacake.

In conclusion, let me propose a theory for my future self:
As I know (as of recently) I do not like to be kind to myself very much. So I've had a brief moment that generated an progression of some memories and as it seems most of my life after 1st grade is in a tedious, not-fully-enjoyable cover. Speaking from my current perspective, I can relate that to stress and my constant strain for enjoyment and pleasure. Based on that, I deduced that my brightest, most memorable summer, is such due to the lack of stress and my allowance for reward. Growing up: when system errors in your software become more and more indisguiseble.

Sometimes rereading posts is such cringe... if the statistics on this link are true and some weirdass strangers take a peek at this, I seriously don't understand how and why... I promise I don't actually talk like a interbreed of yoda and a mideval knight (most of the time).

Just checked my shoes for signs of shit for about the 5th time, I don't know if the sewage system has exploded somewhere near the inside of the ubahn station, or if someone couldn't hold it in about every corner, but the ever present smell pretty much sums up tonight. Visiting old acquaintances can be weird. Especially if they've apparently never expected it and here we are with all of my efforts to ably the social code of showing up when you said you would and supporting people, who's cause you clearly specified you believe in. They're nice, people are there, some are pleasantly surprised to see you but here it is, that ever present all indulging smell.

Giving social norms a try, you play by the rules- be nice, express as little of your dominantly awkward side as possible. You get along in an almost not painfully awkward small talk, after each admitting your lack of commitment to the convention. It has almost been an "interesting, alternative" type of night, but something is off...you check everywhere, the source of the smell is nowhere to be found.

The pressing atmosphere may have been caused by the distant hosts, whom you really have nothing in common with, or the suffocation of antique 4th hand purchases... Giving every remotely interesting conversation a harsh serious edge of childhood dramas and nonexistent social issues.

Glad to be on my way home, only regret is that I didn't get here sooner, but I guess there'll be a point to this later. All the best to tying lose ends!

Adventure Time said it best

It's funny how certain people couldn't imagine their life without you and feared that, inevitably, day by day your presence in their life would fade, yet, the tables have tabled, did their thing: now you are the one fearing, they won't want you around anymore.

"Let's go to the garden, you'll find something waiting, right there, where you left it, lying upside down. When you finally find it, you'll see how it faded: the underside is lighter if you turn it around.

Everything stays, right where you left it, everything stays, but it still changes. Ever so slightly, daily and nightly, in little ways, everything stays."

Days of future past

There's a belief that right before we appear in this world, we make up our own story and make a so-called plan with the universe and that story then becomes our life. Meaning that, that which we refer to as "destiny" is nothing other than our own decisions and that, which we refer to as "God" is nothing other than our eternal spirit.

I've always known that there will be a time when I'd have a complete reversal of my values, I've known that some time soon I'd stop drinking, I've known that some time soon things would change, I've known that some relationships were bound to be short lasting, I've known that one of those relationships is the one I've had with an excessive stress-resistant, cold, emotional, hyperactive female inside of my head.

When change arrived, I've welcomed it with open arms. Embracing it into my life took up quite some time and the realization that it is here to stay still hasn't fully settled. The female in my head was replaced with a rational robot and his side kick " the overly emotional belle of the west". While the robot handled most of my daily interactions, the Belle of the West took it upon herself to intervene in moments of most inconvenience: during conversations with other emotionally unstable people, when performing an acrobatic trick, during emotionally straining training sessions or general times of stress. The duo took up so much of my conscience, that I've started forgetting who the real me is. That has happened before with my other visitors and I definitely do not want a transformation into a new sequel of cowboys vs aliens: belles vs robots, in my head.

The good thing is, that after spending some time away from them, in the mountains, under warm warm sun, in cold cold stormy sea water, I've had the opportunity to reconnect with a 7 year old girl. I guess we could say that she's been evicted from my head somewhere around 2002 and had then only been allowed brief renting periods of up to 2 months. She's really cool and unlike everyone else not a "challenger", to my surprise. The reason being: she sees no challenges. She enjoys life and sees no consequences or borders. She knows that everything that she does is "right". I do wish to make her stay and I suppose the best way to start is by calling her "me".

Knowing my flare for the dramatic, I can very much so imagine me giving a 1627283373727228000000000+ page novel to the universe, where around page 100 we see "our hero, once again grown in her self confidence, rejoices at the blatant assumption that she has found "herself" ".

Prelude
A while ago, I started questioning everyone around me. Reality was shattering and slipping away, I felt disappointed by all of my family members and was convinced that all of my friends either had ulterior motives, or were somewhat simple-minded and could not be trusted- I couldn't let people get close to me, so I didn't understand why anyone would ever want to let someone like me close. There of course were people and relationships, that I've mentioned here before, with whom there was a certain level of complete honestly and no bullshit could be taken personally, like there has always been a silent agreement of complete understanding. Nonetheless, my inability to have anyone in my life and complete disinterest in people made those relationships hard and our meetings became strained. When this started, I felt very uneasy and, unable to understand what was going on and why I, all of a sudden, could not enjoy seeing someone dear to me, I expressed my feelings here in hopes of finding my way back to my "family".
...

About a year ago I started reconnecting with reality and the beautiful rays of sunshine, whom I call friends and family. But a very short while ago I had an exceptionally nice weekend, with a special visit from one of my elfish friends- the ones with the unspoken eternal agreement of understanding. It was that weekend that the biggest bullshit strain had fallen and I felt somewhere close to my actual age without any disillusions of my 25 unborn children that I have to take care of. Thank you to all of my sunshines for putting up with my crap. Ohana means family and I have finally found my way back to mine.

When Timon and Pumba met The Great White Whale

Boy meets girl, girl and boy hang out, girl and boy spend time together doing various activities.

Friends ask them what's up with their lives, girl tells friends she met boy. Friends listen to her story, friends tell her their stories about her and boy. Girl hears many stories, some coming from her head, some from other authorities. Stories are always fun to hear, stories that keep you going through the day. Stories that keep you up at night. Stories that give you butterflies or just put a smile on your face. We all love stories so much we forget that that's all that they are. We forget about the real people, people, not characters, here and now, not the "once upon a time in a land far away". We get caught up in scenarios and ideas that won't make it passed our mouths. Reality is fragile and changing.

Aaaand we're back on with "Emotions- who the fuck are you and why are you ruining my life?!" :D

I've been feeling like shit for a while now with a new wave movement that originated about two weeks ago Wednesday, with a suggestion that I should put my studies on hold and chill my life. Having considered that and partly completed the task I started streak of continuous freak outs. I am incredibly insecure, unsure and tired. Above all TIRED constantly. I don't want to see almost any if my friends, I guess for the fact that I feel like I have failed. I have failed in my studies, I have failed in my love life and I'm even continuesly failing in my life style by eating too much, not working out 6times a week and now, drinking.

What I hate so fucking much right now is that, rewind 3 weeks, well maybe 4, and I'd not give a shit about any unwritten message. Now that I've decided to care, now it's gone... Thanks. Is it what any fucking "relationship" is about? Disappointment and sadness? Is it all about feeling shit about yourself? Reflecting on the things that you are not and never will be?

I really don't know who to talk to... And I don't know why it's suddenly so bad. I really don't see the point of moving forward. I don't want to start anything new cause it'll only end in bullshit.

Fix maths. Work out. Don't care. Fuck everyone!

What to strive for? Who to trust? What to share with people? Who can help you and when to expect help? What decisions matter? Where to live? How to live? When to care? When to chill? What is chill?

Today's society relies immensely on the concept that if you do what you want you will strive to achieve more, meaning more profit, more efficient work, etc. So from a young age of about 16 we are constantly met with a choice to make: what do we enjoy, what could we do? I had a clear understanding of that back in the day, back in the day I had the opportunity to experience work in all of the areas that I excel in. So I made a choice, which, to me, seemed absolutely blatant. 3 years later and here I am, lost, insecure and stripped naked of any confidence in my own choices. How and when do you tell the difference between a challenge and a defeat? How do you know that maybe, what you felt like was your most enjoyable activity and best choice, is actually too challenging for you?

We all want to do something great, something meaningful! Maybe, just maybe greatness is not all we should strive for? Or maybe work is not life and what you do doesn't actually define your accomplishments or how much you enjoy life?

Every choice has an impact, why wasn't I ever as aware of this until now? Is it the weight of my prior choices echoing through my current life? And finally, why do I feel like such an unaccomplished soft pile of crap? I feel like I went against all of my principles and broke all of my moral codes, I feel like, partly by being strong, partly, by being too weak, I have destroyed my right of freedom of choice or expression of emotion in the eyes of the people around me.

I feel alone, I feel abandoned and disregarded, I feel worthless and incapable. I think the last two sentences pretty much sum up all of my bad mood and the reasons for such. This also explains why I have been quite impatiently waiting for attention from a certain member of the opposite sex, although, objectively, I know that, that would just make me feel more dispensable. What seems like a rapid degradation of a self-confidence that stood steady and strong, like a huge ass mountain, Ladies and Gentlemen.

More importantly, I feel like I'm living in a surreal absurd circus: most of the people closest to me acting in a way that I do not understand... things happening so fast and so intensely, people, just people, emotions changing, feelings changing, I do not know what this is and how to be there, there is no space for my emotions in this mess, everyone else's emotions overtook the whole place and no one can care for me, as selfish as it sounds, I can also no longer reciprocate to the entropy around me, I can no longer process the emotional information around me.  

Concentration and discipline are such vivid things. Just when you grasp either of them, they leave you on your lonesome. Time to reflect on myself, my life and habits, issues I've been having, got me thinking that really concentration and me don't always get along.

Really though, only reason I'm writing here right now is for distraction, distraction in hopes that my thoughts will be clearer, that I will focus and realise my abilities.

Cold rational thoughts and actions present themselves as moral liability. Is it right to question them, when you know that something is right? If I have ever understood anything about myself clearly, it is that I always know when something is right. Yet, when the times comes to influence others' opinions I often find myself feeling guilty of the moral and emotional burden the right decision may bring. I am foremost thankful for the clear and rational state that I am in right now. Power is what I feel, it is what I am. I want the people I care about to feel power, to be powerful too. 

Ladadidahdaaahhh,

Let's casually chill in my dark room at half past 2 am, cause sleeping is for losers, even if just moving your finger requires your whole body to tense. Everything hurts and I'm tired. Every time I close my eyes all I can think of is a self-defense technique on a how to brake someone's hand.

When you start searching for jobs but realise it anyway doesn't matter cause what the fuck are you doing with your life anyway? Nothing! Succumbing to your laziness and melting away your brain. Do I care though? Nope. I feel anxious and depressed, keep hating myself for what I'm doing and how I'm being but won't give a shit to change that. Slow clap. Bravo.

There are 7.3 billion people living on this earth. Out those, let's say around 10%-20% are well-off. By that I mean that our daily schedule, thoughts, desires, rituals progress further than just the basic need to survive.

This means that, after subtracting things like eating and sleeping and other basic instinctive behavior patterns, we have about 17 hours everyday to use anyway we want. Multiply that by a week: 119hours. By a month, by a year: 6205 hours. Now let's say an average human lives around 70 years... 434350 hours to spend anyway we want. None of us know why we are here- because we are the product of evolution, that's why. Why does life exist? To keep up the health of the universe, I guess in the end you could break it down to mass and force aspects, balance of space and all. But honestly the real answer is: we'll never know.

Looking at it this way. In order to understand 1-dimensional space, we need to live in a 2-dimensional space, in order to understand 2D, we'd need to be looking at it from 3D or a higher order dimension. The same way, if you want to know how to get through a labyrinth, the best way to go, is to see it from the top and know it's path. My point here is that life is an n-dimensional thought, where n is definitely larger than 3. It is beyond our knowledge reach, simply because we cannot comprehend all of the factors involved- we cannot see past certain frequencies... our sense of orientation, smell, sight, touch, hearing- all is customised to the reality we know, to the limits of our brain capacity. It seems although humans are that beta-version of life: we got passed a certain point in evolution, but are still limited in our capacity. We strongly driven by our instincts and natural behavioural patterns, yet have a constant need to strive for greatness that gives us a certain Napoleon complex and breeds a sense of self-longing that sets us on an endless search for the meaning of our existence.

So my question here is: nature has a way of enforcing it's order. Better said, nature has it's order and that is it. This order is seen through every moment of life- even atomic structures and electron behaviour can be compared to human interaction. So if we take an analogy from sociology and once again apply it here: can you get fired from life?

There are 7.3 billion people, and at least 7.3 million are not using their time and resources efficient for 434350 hours on a regular basis. Does it clear up? Does the principal of live and enjoy or get out apply to life?

I believe so... Nonetheless, this answer requires quite a lot more explanation and I will probably leave that for next time.
Enjoy life! Make it count! Love and be loved, help others! Achieve! Be!

20.16

1. My bed is fucking heaven, it's sooo good, I love you, bed!

2. Now to the other matters. A year ago I made myself a few promises:
1- to pass all of my university courses
2- to stop being late to my appointments
3- to show the people close to me how much I love them
4- to read instead of watching series

Did I fulfill any of them?
Well... Here's a list of series I've seen, just 2015:
The big bang theory
Awkward
Faking it
The Mindy Project
GoT
Archer, Better Call Saul (some stuff)
Rick and Morty
Adventure Time
Gotham
Dare Devil
Jessica Jones
True Detective
Kuchnya
Fargo
Hemlock Grove
Sense 8
Friends
And probably more :D

Failed loads of uni.

Started being on time, stopped. Started being more on time to some appointments, generally realized that I really don't give a shit, so I stopped caring.

Didn't even show my peeps that I love them.

What I did do though is that I started letting people in and I now have those people- the people that are close to me. Moreover, it is now somehow interesting for me to know more about them and in my interest to do things that will make them happy. I really am thankful for that change of heart. Thank you to the people that are close to me and for their unintentional help with my fucked up psychic.

Yet after a very emotionally rich...well, year, I can't help but want to put some order in my life, starting with few new resolutions 

1- carry a notebook around with me, always- sketch and draw in the ubahn, when I'm bored, when I'm waiting.

2- start kickboxing and gym.

3- read physics related articles and books every day.

4- get into a habbit of doing an hour of physics and an hour of maths every day.

5- get a good paying job.

6- have more sex.

7- learn guitar.

Happy New Year!