What to strive for? Who to trust? What to share with people? Who can help you and when to expect help? What decisions matter? Where to live? How to live? When to care? When to chill? What is chill?
Today's society relies immensely on the concept that if you do what you want you will strive to achieve more, meaning more profit, more efficient work, etc. So from a young age of about 16 we are constantly met with a choice to make: what do we enjoy, what could we do? I had a clear understanding of that back in the day, back in the day I had the opportunity to experience work in all of the areas that I excel in. So I made a choice, which, to me, seemed absolutely blatant. 3 years later and here I am, lost, insecure and stripped naked of any confidence in my own choices. How and when do you tell the difference between a challenge and a defeat? How do you know that maybe, what you felt like was your most enjoyable activity and best choice, is actually too challenging for you?
We all want to do something great, something meaningful! Maybe, just maybe greatness is not all we should strive for? Or maybe work is not life and what you do doesn't actually define your accomplishments or how much you enjoy life?
Every choice has an impact, why wasn't I ever as aware of this until now? Is it the weight of my prior choices echoing through my current life? And finally, why do I feel like such an unaccomplished soft pile of crap? I feel like I went against all of my principles and broke all of my moral codes, I feel like, partly by being strong, partly, by being too weak, I have destroyed my right of freedom of choice or expression of emotion in the eyes of the people around me.
I feel alone, I feel abandoned and disregarded, I feel worthless and incapable. I think the last two sentences pretty much sum up all of my bad mood and the reasons for such. This also explains why I have been quite impatiently waiting for attention from a certain member of the opposite sex, although, objectively, I know that, that would just make me feel more dispensable. What seems like a rapid degradation of a self-confidence that stood steady and strong, like a huge ass mountain, Ladies and Gentlemen.
More importantly, I feel like I'm living in a surreal absurd circus: most of the people closest to me acting in a way that I do not understand... things happening so fast and so intensely, people, just people, emotions changing, feelings changing, I do not know what this is and how to be there, there is no space for my emotions in this mess, everyone else's emotions overtook the whole place and no one can care for me, as selfish as it sounds, I can also no longer reciprocate to the entropy around me, I can no longer process the emotional information around me.
Today's society relies immensely on the concept that if you do what you want you will strive to achieve more, meaning more profit, more efficient work, etc. So from a young age of about 16 we are constantly met with a choice to make: what do we enjoy, what could we do? I had a clear understanding of that back in the day, back in the day I had the opportunity to experience work in all of the areas that I excel in. So I made a choice, which, to me, seemed absolutely blatant. 3 years later and here I am, lost, insecure and stripped naked of any confidence in my own choices. How and when do you tell the difference between a challenge and a defeat? How do you know that maybe, what you felt like was your most enjoyable activity and best choice, is actually too challenging for you?
We all want to do something great, something meaningful! Maybe, just maybe greatness is not all we should strive for? Or maybe work is not life and what you do doesn't actually define your accomplishments or how much you enjoy life?
Every choice has an impact, why wasn't I ever as aware of this until now? Is it the weight of my prior choices echoing through my current life? And finally, why do I feel like such an unaccomplished soft pile of crap? I feel like I went against all of my principles and broke all of my moral codes, I feel like, partly by being strong, partly, by being too weak, I have destroyed my right of freedom of choice or expression of emotion in the eyes of the people around me.
I feel alone, I feel abandoned and disregarded, I feel worthless and incapable. I think the last two sentences pretty much sum up all of my bad mood and the reasons for such. This also explains why I have been quite impatiently waiting for attention from a certain member of the opposite sex, although, objectively, I know that, that would just make me feel more dispensable. What seems like a rapid degradation of a self-confidence that stood steady and strong, like a huge ass mountain, Ladies and Gentlemen.
More importantly, I feel like I'm living in a surreal absurd circus: most of the people closest to me acting in a way that I do not understand... things happening so fast and so intensely, people, just people, emotions changing, feelings changing, I do not know what this is and how to be there, there is no space for my emotions in this mess, everyone else's emotions overtook the whole place and no one can care for me, as selfish as it sounds, I can also no longer reciprocate to the entropy around me, I can no longer process the emotional information around me.
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