Just checked my shoes for signs of shit for about the 5th time, I don't know if the sewage system has exploded somewhere near the inside of the ubahn station, or if someone couldn't hold it in about every corner, but the ever present smell pretty much sums up tonight. Visiting old acquaintances can be weird. Especially if they've apparently never expected it and here we are with all of my efforts to ably the social code of showing up when you said you would and supporting people, who's cause you clearly specified you believe in. They're nice, people are there, some are pleasantly surprised to see you but here it is, that ever present all indulging smell.

Giving social norms a try, you play by the rules- be nice, express as little of your dominantly awkward side as possible. You get along in an almost not painfully awkward small talk, after each admitting your lack of commitment to the convention. It has almost been an "interesting, alternative" type of night, but something is off...you check everywhere, the source of the smell is nowhere to be found.

The pressing atmosphere may have been caused by the distant hosts, whom you really have nothing in common with, or the suffocation of antique 4th hand purchases... Giving every remotely interesting conversation a harsh serious edge of childhood dramas and nonexistent social issues.

Glad to be on my way home, only regret is that I didn't get here sooner, but I guess there'll be a point to this later. All the best to tying lose ends!

Adventure Time said it best

It's funny how certain people couldn't imagine their life without you and feared that, inevitably, day by day your presence in their life would fade, yet, the tables have tabled, did their thing: now you are the one fearing, they won't want you around anymore.

"Let's go to the garden, you'll find something waiting, right there, where you left it, lying upside down. When you finally find it, you'll see how it faded: the underside is lighter if you turn it around.

Everything stays, right where you left it, everything stays, but it still changes. Ever so slightly, daily and nightly, in little ways, everything stays."

Days of future past

There's a belief that right before we appear in this world, we make up our own story and make a so-called plan with the universe and that story then becomes our life. Meaning that, that which we refer to as "destiny" is nothing other than our own decisions and that, which we refer to as "God" is nothing other than our eternal spirit.

I've always known that there will be a time when I'd have a complete reversal of my values, I've known that some time soon I'd stop drinking, I've known that some time soon things would change, I've known that some relationships were bound to be short lasting, I've known that one of those relationships is the one I've had with an excessive stress-resistant, cold, emotional, hyperactive female inside of my head.

When change arrived, I've welcomed it with open arms. Embracing it into my life took up quite some time and the realization that it is here to stay still hasn't fully settled. The female in my head was replaced with a rational robot and his side kick " the overly emotional belle of the west". While the robot handled most of my daily interactions, the Belle of the West took it upon herself to intervene in moments of most inconvenience: during conversations with other emotionally unstable people, when performing an acrobatic trick, during emotionally straining training sessions or general times of stress. The duo took up so much of my conscience, that I've started forgetting who the real me is. That has happened before with my other visitors and I definitely do not want a transformation into a new sequel of cowboys vs aliens: belles vs robots, in my head.

The good thing is, that after spending some time away from them, in the mountains, under warm warm sun, in cold cold stormy sea water, I've had the opportunity to reconnect with a 7 year old girl. I guess we could say that she's been evicted from my head somewhere around 2002 and had then only been allowed brief renting periods of up to 2 months. She's really cool and unlike everyone else not a "challenger", to my surprise. The reason being: she sees no challenges. She enjoys life and sees no consequences or borders. She knows that everything that she does is "right". I do wish to make her stay and I suppose the best way to start is by calling her "me".

Knowing my flare for the dramatic, I can very much so imagine me giving a 1627283373727228000000000+ page novel to the universe, where around page 100 we see "our hero, once again grown in her self confidence, rejoices at the blatant assumption that she has found "herself" ".