Мой личный Вершитель,
Помнишь, мы- не победимы, пожалуйста, давай верить в это всместе и продолжать делать чудеса легко и просто!
среда, 18 декабря 2013 г.
Рано или поздно, так или иначе
вторник, 17 декабря 2013 г.
Scientist-block
I just realised that there have been enough nights, when due to my foolish actions and bad time-management, I'd stay up late staring into my notebook, then into my laptop, then at some google page, entitled "The Maths Doctor" or "Maths Edu something", then back to my script from the lectures, then a somewhereongooglefound exact version of the script but in English..waiting for it to hit me, linear algebraic inspiration!
On this note: there's a series of linear operations named after sir Vandemonde. The Vandemonde Determinant... sounds like the ultimate death weapon- it's like Voldemort goes French.
On this note: there's a series of linear operations named after sir Vandemonde. The Vandemonde Determinant... sounds like the ultimate death weapon- it's like Voldemort goes French.
четверг, 12 декабря 2013 г.
If it were carried out in vacuum with spherical objects
Хочешь приключений? Хочешь пропасть в Изумрудной Долине? Так, чтобы тебя искали- а ты, вот он! Всё знаешь, всё видишь, ты есть. Просто ты их не хочешь- вот они тебя и не видят.
-Давай!
Давай, но только так нельзя, так перестанешь хотеть всех во круг.
-Я хочу стать духом.
Ты уже дух- больше чем человек. Ты- кот. И как кот, ты всемогущ, но ты так много общаешься с людьми, что забыл зачем ты здесь. Подумай...
-Я хочу есть.
Нет, нет, вспомни! Ты не такой как они. Не принимай их пищу- они питаются сомнениями и страхом, они бояться темноты, одиночества, друг друга. Проблема в том, что в свою пищу они подмешивают пыль- пыль вызывает привыкание, а за тем зависимость. Они даже придумали станции "пищи скорого приготовления" и разместили их везде: на каждой улице, переулке, даже в офисах и кинозалах- в любом открытом и закрытом пространстве. Это не для тебя, лови зайцев и мышей, солнечных. Питайся ими.
- Хорошо, но где все остальные... коты?
Тебе не нужны остальные, ты здесь, чтобы дарить людям улыбки. Ты сам этого хотел. Ты хотел получить от них знания.
- Да, но всё же...
Ты не человек- ты не одинок. Дари людям улыбки и вскоре ты увидишь в них котов.
понедельник, 9 декабря 2013 г.
воскресенье, 1 декабря 2013 г.
Всегда наступает момент, когда вспоминая прошлое, ну или какое-то ощущение прошлого- то есть представляешь те чувства, которые испытывал, понимаешь, что всё это- больше не твое. Конечно, ощущения твои, принадлежат тебе и никто их не отберет, если конечно не захочешь ими поделиться, но тогда это будет зависеть от вас двоих и уже скорее превратиться в что-то иное, созданное вашим совместным трудом, но и тогда у тебя останется тот "прототип" с которого всё начиналось.
Но наступает момент, когда понимаешь, вспоминая прошлые чувства, оцениваешь их с какой-то отдаленной позиции. Так как, тебе больше не известны причины тех чувств. Ты уже не то существо и не можешь чувствовать то, что чувствовал когда-то тот другой кто-то, и поэтому, вспоминая о таких событиях, становиться тепло- ведь это она и есть, безпричинная, настоящая радость.
вторник, 19 ноября 2013 г.
Casualramblingscasualramblingscasialrblings
November weather- grey, very grey, wet, it's getting colder. Winter is coming. But contraversely to the Starks' motto, the coming winter is the analogy of a silver lining.
I'm in a car with two world class fencers- both are in their midtwenties, both have good reputations of those crazy cold hearted athletes that took a big ass dump on their "emotional problems" "no time" "no energy" "social life" and interests.
Maybe that's cause fencing for them was always a social activity, maybe that's cause they've started fencing at 10. I wouldn't have had the patience to go through with something for so many years, at least not when I was 10.
I'm in a car with two world class fencers- both are in their midtwenties, both have good reputations of those crazy cold hearted athletes that took a big ass dump on their "emotional problems" "no time" "no energy" "social life" and interests.
Maybe that's cause fencing for them was always a social activity, maybe that's cause they've started fencing at 10. I wouldn't have had the patience to go through with something for so many years, at least not when I was 10.
There's a constant in my life- I always make the weirdest fucked up choices. I chose fencing, I could've continued playing hockey, at least floor or land hockey, I could have been a pro long distance runner, I could have been a dancer (probably Latin or hip-hop, but so long as it isn't/wasn't ballet- it's ait), softball, football... No I chose fencing! 5 years in any one of those disciplines would've at least made me a local champion. But I chose the most challenging thing for me out there.
Same goes for my area and language of study. There are hundreds of good, possibly even affordable, English- and Russian-speaking universities out there, but noooo, Poli studies in German, hey at least it's not French! German, yes, I've lived in a German speaking country for a long time, but that doesn't make me studying in a language I'm not comfortable with speaking in the easiest thing ever. Ow, and, I chose to study physics. Why not design or architecture? Too easy! Literally. That's the explanation for everything, as long as someone/something challenges me, I'll be interested. May the force be with me and may it restrain me from burning the university to the ground and/or starting a nuclear war, experimenting with humans and as a result building my own mutant army to conquer the world. Yeah, there are more pleasant ways to achive a world dictator ship.
Whine over- did it get easier, yes;) may I survive till winter and may all be well.
Same goes for my area and language of study. There are hundreds of good, possibly even affordable, English- and Russian-speaking universities out there, but noooo, Poli studies in German, hey at least it's not French! German, yes, I've lived in a German speaking country for a long time, but that doesn't make me studying in a language I'm not comfortable with speaking in the easiest thing ever. Ow, and, I chose to study physics. Why not design or architecture? Too easy! Literally. That's the explanation for everything, as long as someone/something challenges me, I'll be interested. May the force be with me and may it restrain me from burning the university to the ground and/or starting a nuclear war, experimenting with humans and as a result building my own mutant army to conquer the world. Yeah, there are more pleasant ways to achive a world dictator ship.
Whine over- did it get easier, yes;) may I survive till winter and may all be well.
Anyone who comes across this gets an extra awesomeness point in a form of a rainbow-pooping butterfly!
In addition to a unicorn pony that just happens to be fluffy and fierce.
In addition to a unicorn pony that just happens to be fluffy and fierce.
воскресенье, 20 октября 2013 г.
Sally Said
When you think too much about the past and future, the present becomes irrelevant and the images of the people you love become more interesting than their actual selves.
Conclusion: face reality.
пятница, 18 октября 2013 г.
introduction
That's what mesmarized me about her. That ability to enlighten people about her world, convince them, show them the great posibilities, and then give them a logical flaw- letting them chose between doubt and believe.
When I first met Joe, she captured me. Not enough for me to trust her, but just the right amount to ensure I'd never see or remeber anyone esle.
пятница, 11 октября 2013 г.
воскресенье, 6 октября 2013 г.
среда, 25 сентября 2013 г.
понедельник, 23 сентября 2013 г.
UNTITLED
Отсутствие новостей- хуже всего, бездействие, нехватка событий, впечатлений.
When all is quite at the western front the craziest shit goes down in my head. The craziest shit that turns it all into grey. all is idle. all can go screw itself, cause any emotion is better than no emotion- so it turns into anger. I guess. Until even that is used up by my adhd brain that no longer can packen what the fuck is going on where I am and what my life is. It's that point when I no longer know what was there before and it seems like there is no after- seems like that moment and state are eternal. Does this all go back to the supposed belief that humans respond better to pain and sorrow? No. When I'm happy- I'm happy and that is eternal.
And so it goes on and on and on in my mind- there hasn't been much around other than my mind lately, so for all it seems, it is everywhere and that is all there is.
And it's that much worse, when you know that it could and should be better.
When all is quite at the western front the craziest shit goes down in my head. The craziest shit that turns it all into grey. all is idle. all can go screw itself, cause any emotion is better than no emotion- so it turns into anger. I guess. Until even that is used up by my adhd brain that no longer can packen what the fuck is going on where I am and what my life is. It's that point when I no longer know what was there before and it seems like there is no after- seems like that moment and state are eternal. Does this all go back to the supposed belief that humans respond better to pain and sorrow? No. When I'm happy- I'm happy and that is eternal.
And so it goes on and on and on in my mind- there hasn't been much around other than my mind lately, so for all it seems, it is everywhere and that is all there is.
And it's that much worse, when you know that it could and should be better.
воскресенье, 15 сентября 2013 г.
:D
Если бы мы жили на Марсе,
Нас было бы двое- ты и я.
Мы бы жили в просторной вилле
На краю Зеленной Долины.
Летали бы на огненных птицах,
Видели б сны через ресницы- не веря им.
В наших золотых глазах
Отражалось бы необъятное марсианское солнце,
А наши легкие были бы всегда наполнены
Разряженным раскаленным газом.
В наших жилах текла бы ледяная кровь.
Мы были бы чуть меньше нами и чуть больше ими,
И никогда б никого не любили.
Нас было бы двое- ты и я.
Мы бы жили в просторной вилле
На краю Зеленной Долины.
Летали бы на огненных птицах,
Видели б сны через ресницы- не веря им.
В наших золотых глазах
Отражалось бы необъятное марсианское солнце,
А наши легкие были бы всегда наполнены
Разряженным раскаленным газом.
В наших жилах текла бы ледяная кровь.
Мы были бы чуть меньше нами и чуть больше ими,
И никогда б никого не любили.
четверг, 5 сентября 2013 г.
The Secret World of Midnight Confessions
Truth is...
No matter how scary it is to let go, it isn't the experience that matters, not the events that were once present in our lives, not their seeming current absence, not the people around us (although it is harder without them), not who we were once and how we once acted- it's what we make of the time and the adventures that we had, it's how such had affected us and transformed us...what we make of the new ME.
Letting go is hard, because, as it turns out, even after 10 years here I'm still scared. Apparently Almaty is still my comfort zone...who would have thought? Heh, in that case I'm grateful for the opportunity to test myself, to be out of my comfort zone, constantly, after all, I've realised that really, that's what I'm into;)
Maybe that's why I turn into a psychotic, homicidal (although that's more so just perks of being Poli), germophobic, bipolar bitch when I'm in Vienna? Although, I haven't lived lived anywhere else for a long time, so I can't objectively judge this situation. Of course, the place where one lives and attends education or works is always going to have a different place in one's mind then the place where one goes on holiday... but, that doesn't have to be this brutal.
Wien, let's start getting along for real this time, please? :)
No matter how scary it is to let go, it isn't the experience that matters, not the events that were once present in our lives, not their seeming current absence, not the people around us (although it is harder without them), not who we were once and how we once acted- it's what we make of the time and the adventures that we had, it's how such had affected us and transformed us...what we make of the new ME.
Letting go is hard, because, as it turns out, even after 10 years here I'm still scared. Apparently Almaty is still my comfort zone...who would have thought? Heh, in that case I'm grateful for the opportunity to test myself, to be out of my comfort zone, constantly, after all, I've realised that really, that's what I'm into;)
Maybe that's why I turn into a psychotic, homicidal (although that's more so just perks of being Poli), germophobic, bipolar bitch when I'm in Vienna? Although, I haven't lived lived anywhere else for a long time, so I can't objectively judge this situation. Of course, the place where one lives and attends education or works is always going to have a different place in one's mind then the place where one goes on holiday... but, that doesn't have to be this brutal.
Wien, let's start getting along for real this time, please? :)
вторник, 3 сентября 2013 г.
The Eternal Sunshine of the Restless Mind
2.30 and since I don't have to wake up any time tomorrow, I will make the most out of this opportunity regardless of the fact that I've been battling sleep as of 10pm today--> RATIONAL. but whataboo, it's kind of nice in this mellow state, when I'm not reeeeally capable of thinking clearly (HAH! WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEND?!) but yeah, worse that usual, so that's interesting:) food for thought- maybe that's how it should be? yeah, no, maybe a balance. also to anyone who actually comes across this, hehe, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
So, there is no exact reason for this post- I had a spur of creativity (initially) and as it now turns out such goes hand in hand with mind pouring out on here :D
Anyway, I was going to post something creative, like a story or some shit like that, obviously it wouldn't be an actual proper story cause I wont be able to concentrate on the plot for a long enough period of time, neither will I be able to commit to it. which is actually the same thing, almost.
I was just watching "Take Me Home Tonight" and well it's nice, not so cliché story about a post-uni high school class reunion party with the Erik from That 70's show, who, by the way, looks smockin' hot now- him and Mila Kunis really used the 10+ years for their benefit (poli approved). Anyway, so they go to this huge party...parties, this is all set in the 80's which makes it that much more awesome. The movie is generally very fluffy and fun- easy not so cheesy, or annoying rom-com, dynamic, well enjoyable. What, I'm a movie critic now? Fuck yeah! Anywho, so I was thinking that random hook-ups, taste like alcohol and hang overs. Yes, this isn't new, but, generally that just makes this whole thing that much less enjoyable :/ meh. Here's to staying away from (or minimizing their involvement in my life, cause I mean, sometimes I feel that this life is all a lost generation-party it up with coke and booze cause it aint going to work otherwise as 90% of people here are shallow and empty sort of necessity life style) drugs- weed, alcohol and random hook-ups/one night stands(NONO).
Good night! May all your ponies eat rainbows and poop butterflies
So, there is no exact reason for this post- I had a spur of creativity (initially) and as it now turns out such goes hand in hand with mind pouring out on here :D
Anyway, I was going to post something creative, like a story or some shit like that, obviously it wouldn't be an actual proper story cause I wont be able to concentrate on the plot for a long enough period of time, neither will I be able to commit to it. which is actually the same thing, almost.
I was just watching "Take Me Home Tonight" and well it's nice, not so cliché story about a post-uni high school class reunion party with the Erik from That 70's show, who, by the way, looks smockin' hot now- him and Mila Kunis really used the 10+ years for their benefit (poli approved). Anyway, so they go to this huge party...parties, this is all set in the 80's which makes it that much more awesome. The movie is generally very fluffy and fun- easy not so cheesy, or annoying rom-com, dynamic, well enjoyable. What, I'm a movie critic now? Fuck yeah! Anywho, so I was thinking that random hook-ups, taste like alcohol and hang overs. Yes, this isn't new, but, generally that just makes this whole thing that much less enjoyable :/ meh. Here's to staying away from (or minimizing their involvement in my life, cause I mean, sometimes I feel that this life is all a lost generation-party it up with coke and booze cause it aint going to work otherwise as 90% of people here are shallow and empty sort of necessity life style) drugs- weed, alcohol and random hook-ups/one night stands(NONO).
Good night! May all your ponies eat rainbows and poop butterflies
Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck Fuck Fuck--> 10am termine at the Bundesministerium für Unterricht Kunst und Kultur... I spent 10 minutes looking for my Meldezettel and an still waiting for the ubahn...please all be good!!!!
четверг, 22 августа 2013 г.
cutting the crap!
fuck it, here we go!
I want something real! I have lived for about a month- but daym that was one hell of a lively month! Emotions and all and experience! I want more of that- I want to be alive and I want it to be clear and simple! I want clarifications, I want more! I want much more! I want to be valued and I want it now :D! I want every day to be new and bright! I want greatness!!!!
I want something real! I have lived for about a month- but daym that was one hell of a lively month! Emotions and all and experience! I want more of that- I want to be alive and I want it to be clear and simple! I want clarifications, I want more! I want much more! I want to be valued and I want it now :D! I want every day to be new and bright! I want greatness!!!!
casual ramblings
понедельник, 19 августа 2013 г.
воскресенье, 18 августа 2013 г.
смысловые галлюцинации
Мне только что, без моего согласия и ведома провели астрологическую консультацию, раз уш я решила что буду прояснять свои выраженияб вот оно прояснение: просто эти консультации проводит подруга семьи и это всё с начала было рассказано всем кроме меня- я удерживалась до последнего. Блин всё-таки не люблю я это, конечно же самолюбие парой тешат такие фразы как "хороший вкус, талант к тому-сему" но по большому cxtne мне всегда говорят то, что я уже и так знаю. В том то и прелесть, что я это всё знаю, но не описываю словами- по крайней мере пока не почувствую, что те или иные аспекты меня готовы к тому чтобы быть представленными свету. Помимо этого моя впечатлительность + шурумбур чувствмыслейэмоциймнений у меня в голове(провоцирующий меня на сомнения в своих же решениях)= убойная смесь, что-то иногда мной очень легко манипулировать куда надо сказав лишь ту нужную фразу!
А сейчас меня просто бесит одно незначительное обстоятельство, более- общественные нормы по этому поводу
А сейчас меня просто бесит одно незначительное обстоятельство, более- общественные нормы по этому поводу
пятница, 16 августа 2013 г.
четверг, 15 августа 2013 г.
о моём прекрасном отходнике-депреснике, дамы и господа!
Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
I wake up alone, with only day light between us
Last night the world was beneath us
________________________________________________________
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
I wake up alone, with only day light between us
Last night the world was beneath us
________________________________________________________
У меня началась ломка, такое часто раньше бывало- знакомое, казалось бы, давно забытое ощущение , напоминающее о том, как иногда бывает херово. Почему? Думаю, скорее всего потому, что кажется, что из меня высосали все краски и эмоции, экзальтированная реакция ребенка, которого за шкирку отвезли домой после дня веселья, проведенного с друзьями. Ровно также я себя чувствовала на протяжении первых 4-5 лет прожитых в вене. Каждый год возврат обратно, начало учебного года было моей личной, особо извращенной пыткой.
И вот, спустя столько лет, опять. Какого черта? Главное, я не хочу переезжать жить туда, но я не хочу жить без тех замечательных людей, не все являются таковыми конечно, но хрен с ним. Я не хочу жить без алматы. Это и есть жестоко... мне тяжело живя там, помнить об алмате, это больно, я не люблю когда мне больно, не люблю привязанности. Всё это доходит до абсурда : легче забыть или отпустить, чем чувствовать. Даже сейчас, это решение кажется мне правильным, как мне знать что на меня ещё не забили хуй(как бы сильно меня не ценили пока я там)? Ведь так не честно, а моё тупое пристрастие к справедливости, всем покажет, пока я от него не избавлюсь, конечно. Я хочу татуху, маленькую, хочу траву, хочу на конец-то уладить все свои дела и заняться воплощением своих планов.
Бла.
И вот, спустя столько лет, опять. Какого черта? Главное, я не хочу переезжать жить туда, но я не хочу жить без тех замечательных людей, не все являются таковыми конечно, но хрен с ним. Я не хочу жить без алматы. Это и есть жестоко... мне тяжело живя там, помнить об алмате, это больно, я не люблю когда мне больно, не люблю привязанности. Всё это доходит до абсурда : легче забыть или отпустить, чем чувствовать. Даже сейчас, это решение кажется мне правильным, как мне знать что на меня ещё не забили хуй(как бы сильно меня не ценили пока я там)? Ведь так не честно, а моё тупое пристрастие к справедливости, всем покажет, пока я от него не избавлюсь, конечно. Я хочу татуху, маленькую, хочу траву, хочу на конец-то уладить все свои дела и заняться воплощением своих планов.
Бла.
среда, 14 августа 2013 г.
The most terrifying aspect about my departure is that I have no idea where I'm going and what I'll find there.
Strictly speaking, adventures are the best make-overs: we may return with only a glimpse of what we were, what we stood for, what we believed and what was sacred. What was left behind is then scarsly significant and that which we have gained grows and developes, changing completely from the point that we have obtained it to the moment that we use it. Hence, this unknown, this gap between then and now and here and there is what is most terrifying to us all, the moment when we are most ourselves and feel least like ourselves. That being said, may another adventure begin! An adventure into the unknown world of new experiences and feelings, freedom- detachment from my current focal point, my so-to-say "comfort zone", the thrill of the lasser faire and the world of oppertunities and happenings. This world, where only I can alter or determine my life and vision!
Thank you so much for the past month, it has been a pleasure! Adieu and see you soon!
Strictly speaking, adventures are the best make-overs: we may return with only a glimpse of what we were, what we stood for, what we believed and what was sacred. What was left behind is then scarsly significant and that which we have gained grows and developes, changing completely from the point that we have obtained it to the moment that we use it. Hence, this unknown, this gap between then and now and here and there is what is most terrifying to us all, the moment when we are most ourselves and feel least like ourselves. That being said, may another adventure begin! An adventure into the unknown world of new experiences and feelings, freedom- detachment from my current focal point, my so-to-say "comfort zone", the thrill of the lasser faire and the world of oppertunities and happenings. This world, where only I can alter or determine my life and vision!
Thank you so much for the past month, it has been a pleasure! Adieu and see you soon!
воскресенье, 11 августа 2013 г.
Safe Haven
I have no idea where my sleeping place is, where my home is or, as a matter of fact, when the last time I slept at 'home' was. Truth is, I purposely spend time irgendwo to make sure that I live through everything that is worthy and that I want to live through. I'm not scared, just lost, no not even- lack of time has made it a point for me to put 'new experience' or just 'experience', 'interesting people' above myself, to soak everything up before I leave. Four days, maybe I should decide what I want in those 4 days... there are 6 people I want to see again in those four days, perferably more than once. I want to read, to make up with my aunt-- ASAP, to spend some time with my parents, I suppose- they will need it. To wonder around the city a little more. I want to feel that safe haven- which is me, my world, a glipse of it, of the new me, I understand that Poli 234255680098765443.0 may not be fully updated yet, but to remember my moral values, would be nice.
What to do? Get some loads of sleep, give aunty back the cash I borrowed, get a hair cut at 1, meet parents for lunch, call erika at some point?
May all be great.
What to do? Get some loads of sleep, give aunty back the cash I borrowed, get a hair cut at 1, meet parents for lunch, call erika at some point?
May all be great.
четверг, 1 августа 2013 г.
Islands, night time
"Where would I be
If this were to go under
It's a risk I'd take
I'm froze by desire
As if a choice I'd make
I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore"
____________________________________________________________________________________
So today is the day that I am meant to leave to an amazing mountain lake--> different city, different country, without the people. Ayayayayaya....! I cant say that I was whelmed at the thought of spending 5 days of my-anyway-not-so-long-vacation-here elsewhere away from the people, but now it's just not something I want to do.. and partially due to my ruined plans for the day: I was meant to meet a few people, go see places, do things and thereby, be ok with leaving for a bit to regenerate. HOWEVER, the bosses have decided, that sitting in two different homes for freaking shitton of hours is a much better idea- I will be nearby, you see. Yes, Im a fuck up with no respect for no one and dont see the meaning of anything, but my 'help' might be needed- BULLSHIT! I did, nothing! cause there was nothing to do!!!!! So I fucked up my plans, was dragged into a series of arguments, that have made me feel as though the people that Im leaving with are, lets say, not suitable company-or more so Im not suitable company- and in the end of the day I'm feeling as though Im forcing myself to do something. But am I? In a way the near future: no alcohol, fresh air, sleep- all sounds good, but I dont want to leave...I think
Additionally, I want to be needed, to be irreplacable, I'm annoyed with the whole "play it cool, fuck it, yolo" well, not really, cause that's still ait, but it would be good to know that I will be missed, that when I come back my place would still be occupied by me and that I would be thought of. I hope, I wish, I want!
Please, may all be great! I really want something great....! and so the tears return
вторник, 30 июля 2013 г.
Fiction
I somehow feel as though the heat, that is so much appreciated by me, is gathering around me, slow, thick, overwhelming, sticky, suffacating... taking up all of what really is me. My adventure hunt has lead me to sleep deprivation, confussion, utter resentment of my believes and visions, swollowed up my sinserity and hasn't left room for much, other than my ability to adapt to new circumstances and dettach myself from powerful emotion.
To be continued in a land far away... once upon a time
To be continued in a land far away... once upon a time
среда, 24 июля 2013 г.
Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten
Ayayayayay. Hormones--> the awesome time of the month, for the second time this month. So, overemotionality, nice to see you, good sir!
I'm in the kazakhstan land and frankly the first two-three days were rather bleak in the sense, that after a two year break, it is hard to come back somewhere so special.
So much has happened and changed me.
The only reason for my true and healthy survival is my Family. My Family- my friends, my great friends, who after all these years are still here and will always have a part in my life, for people with such great importance don't just simply fade, even when it comes down to the phenomenon, that is myself. Their influence in shaping me is going to be felt always.
People grow, change and develope and thank goodness for that! I don't know where my mind will take me, but I know that a friendship bond as strong as this one will hold and develope with us. At least, I will try my very best to ensure that.
In fact, I'm scared of myself.
the more sacred and true a bond is, the barer it is... the bonds and relationships we value most can be hardest to get in tact, we know how much they mean, how emotional they are and how much they hurt.
What to do? GROW A PAIR OF BALLS!
I'm in the kazakhstan land and frankly the first two-three days were rather bleak in the sense, that after a two year break, it is hard to come back somewhere so special.
So much has happened and changed me.
The only reason for my true and healthy survival is my Family. My Family- my friends, my great friends, who after all these years are still here and will always have a part in my life, for people with such great importance don't just simply fade, even when it comes down to the phenomenon, that is myself. Their influence in shaping me is going to be felt always.
People grow, change and develope and thank goodness for that! I don't know where my mind will take me, but I know that a friendship bond as strong as this one will hold and develope with us. At least, I will try my very best to ensure that.
In fact, I'm scared of myself.
the more sacred and true a bond is, the barer it is... the bonds and relationships we value most can be hardest to get in tact, we know how much they mean, how emotional they are and how much they hurt.
What to do? GROW A PAIR OF BALLS!
пятница, 5 июля 2013 г.
The known, yet expected
It us 4:29am, I am in bed, not sleeping. I'm alone, just to clarify..
Tomorrow at 2:45pm I will know the secret code: my ib grades. See, I thought that getting intoxicated today was going to be 'relaxing'. It wasn't and I knew it all along, yet what the hell was I doing?!
Not only do I get drunk from an embarrassingly small amount of drinks but also do I eat a lot of food when I get home(although I gotta admit, that that helped the intoxication or more so getting rid of it).
I also watched 1.5 episodes of suits...
Aiaiai, why did I make all these fucked up decisions, although I did eventually get myself home- before it was too late, so yay me!
Another comforting detail- first night properly out the entire holiday excluding ibiza.. so am I maturing? Is that why I feel guilty going out this one night??
Actually it is also because I'm bot feeling at the top of everything atm- hence my body wasn't up for alcohol consumption--> embarrassingly small amount of it to get me drunk.
It was a bit of an adventure though, a certain Anna-banana would approve, I suppose. At least I took risks, wasn't tooooo stuck up and well, hung out with the wrong crowd BUT met one or two nice people:)
Tomorrow at 2:45pm I will know the secret code: my ib grades. See, I thought that getting intoxicated today was going to be 'relaxing'. It wasn't and I knew it all along, yet what the hell was I doing?!
Not only do I get drunk from an embarrassingly small amount of drinks but also do I eat a lot of food when I get home(although I gotta admit, that that helped the intoxication or more so getting rid of it).
I also watched 1.5 episodes of suits...
Aiaiai, why did I make all these fucked up decisions, although I did eventually get myself home- before it was too late, so yay me!
Another comforting detail- first night properly out the entire holiday excluding ibiza.. so am I maturing? Is that why I feel guilty going out this one night??
Actually it is also because I'm bot feeling at the top of everything atm- hence my body wasn't up for alcohol consumption--> embarrassingly small amount of it to get me drunk.
It was a bit of an adventure though, a certain Anna-banana would approve, I suppose. At least I took risks, wasn't tooooo stuck up and well, hung out with the wrong crowd BUT met one or two nice people:)
четверг, 27 июня 2013 г.
Regrets?
So I woke up- no voice almost
Inbox from one of the poets complaining... because I'm incompetent(he didn't say that)
среда, 26 июня 2013 г.
Maybe, animals live in the zoo
It requires a special mind-set for me to listen to Russian rap: 1- I am slightly sad 2- I feel like a mafia boss/street fighter=macho man, or both.
Also, why can't Vienna weather get its shit together? Seriously, this has been going long enough and has totally affected the strawberry crops... which is most tragic, cause strawberries don't like to be flooded... so why Vienna, why??? Sun, please be here.
Finally, why are people such whinny bitches (ironic coming from the author of this blog), I actually mean, complicated whinny bitches. So I've been trying to organize this event for the past 3-4 months. It is mean to take place next week and it should involve musicians and poets from St. Petersburg, Kiev and Vienna. Thing is, that for the past 3 months I've been desperately searching for donors: e-mails, phone calls, meetings, me coming to people and proposing this idea... it has been challenging and most definitely had been the milestone in causing my rant about people in general and Austrians in particular. So after all this time we have a budget of about 250 euros and 4 people from the ex-Soviet Union countries to bring to Vienna. Which actually somehow may work. Thing is, I have only realized this brilliance rather late: some of the said participants still need visas, others think of us as billionaires (which we could be, but you know not in terms of the said event).
I feel like I've messed up:
1 --> At the beginning of our adventure, back on April 11th, we had a meeting with two potential investors: Raiffeisenbank representative and UPF- whereas the bank guy was merely curious and found our idea interesting and couldn't finance us, however promised to help and later assured me that he had gotten us a deal with the other bank sector that would easily provide us with money (1 grand, so heaven practically)- didn't happened, instead I have wasted a whole month chasing after them and delusioned myself, in the end received a very bitter and harsh answer that has once blankly and once more indirectly (there were two guys that I have talked to) told me that they were not interested.
UPF, on the other hand, have been very eager to help us from the get go. They offered us 600 euros in exchange for our consultation during a few of their meetings. Now at the time we wanted 1000-1500 euros and most importantly I was warned by my parents, in a very my-parents-manner, that even though it was my mom, who suggested that I contact UPF in the first place, we should watch out for them as UPF is practically a cult (long story, many details, very scary, blahblahblah)...so when we sat there and our UPF conversationists pretty much engulfed our idea and us with their vision and...words, both my 'fellow curator' and I have felt intimidated by the idea of co-operating with UPF, that and the promise of bank money have made it very easy for me and only me, cause nobody else makes decisions in this world apparently, to say no to UPF. I have wrote back to them two weeks ago, but they had no money as the deadline for applying for a fund was end of April...go me!
2--> So, other than rejecting money... I have once again mixed pleasure with business. I have involved the artists and friend that I'm afraid might feel as though they have been cheated by my disorganization... acquaintances, that I have met last year in St Petersburg and would like to have seen more of, cause daym they're talented, and my friend is AWESOME.
My soliloquy is over. May I be redeemed. May all be good. May all my decisions be made with a purpose. May all work out. May we all be friends and live long and prosper. May all be the most beautiful way possible.
Also, why can't Vienna weather get its shit together? Seriously, this has been going long enough and has totally affected the strawberry crops... which is most tragic, cause strawberries don't like to be flooded... so why Vienna, why??? Sun, please be here.
Finally, why are people such whinny bitches (ironic coming from the author of this blog), I actually mean, complicated whinny bitches. So I've been trying to organize this event for the past 3-4 months. It is mean to take place next week and it should involve musicians and poets from St. Petersburg, Kiev and Vienna. Thing is, that for the past 3 months I've been desperately searching for donors: e-mails, phone calls, meetings, me coming to people and proposing this idea... it has been challenging and most definitely had been the milestone in causing my rant about people in general and Austrians in particular. So after all this time we have a budget of about 250 euros and 4 people from the ex-Soviet Union countries to bring to Vienna. Which actually somehow may work. Thing is, I have only realized this brilliance rather late: some of the said participants still need visas, others think of us as billionaires (which we could be, but you know not in terms of the said event).
I feel like I've messed up:
1 --> At the beginning of our adventure, back on April 11th, we had a meeting with two potential investors: Raiffeisenbank representative and UPF- whereas the bank guy was merely curious and found our idea interesting and couldn't finance us, however promised to help and later assured me that he had gotten us a deal with the other bank sector that would easily provide us with money (1 grand, so heaven practically)- didn't happened, instead I have wasted a whole month chasing after them and delusioned myself, in the end received a very bitter and harsh answer that has once blankly and once more indirectly (there were two guys that I have talked to) told me that they were not interested.
UPF, on the other hand, have been very eager to help us from the get go. They offered us 600 euros in exchange for our consultation during a few of their meetings. Now at the time we wanted 1000-1500 euros and most importantly I was warned by my parents, in a very my-parents-manner, that even though it was my mom, who suggested that I contact UPF in the first place, we should watch out for them as UPF is practically a cult (long story, many details, very scary, blahblahblah)...so when we sat there and our UPF conversationists pretty much engulfed our idea and us with their vision and...words, both my 'fellow curator' and I have felt intimidated by the idea of co-operating with UPF, that and the promise of bank money have made it very easy for me and only me, cause nobody else makes decisions in this world apparently, to say no to UPF. I have wrote back to them two weeks ago, but they had no money as the deadline for applying for a fund was end of April...go me!
2--> So, other than rejecting money... I have once again mixed pleasure with business. I have involved the artists and friend that I'm afraid might feel as though they have been cheated by my disorganization... acquaintances, that I have met last year in St Petersburg and would like to have seen more of, cause daym they're talented, and my friend is AWESOME.
My soliloquy is over. May I be redeemed. May all be good. May all my decisions be made with a purpose. May all work out. May we all be friends and live long and prosper. May all be the most beautiful way possible.
суббота, 22 июня 2013 г.
Like a freaken' force field
My trip to Ibiza may or may not have had to cause a slight altering of my friend's and well, my plans, so when we were discussing the possibility of moving our mutual business to after my return she joked that I'd be sleeping for two weeks. Funny, cause I probably will be sleeping A LOT, but not too much! My throat hurts after a crazy boat party... please heal!
пятница, 14 июня 2013 г.
Discipline-perfection?
Patience comes with disciple. I feel like I'm a blob of emotions, colours, energy- everything, a hot désiré of particles, atoms, nuclides... hence, I feel that discipline is the reason I made it that far in life. Sometimes I can relate to a character in my favourite book series: a magician who went crazy because if his overwhelming power and then was rescued from his insanity and forced to find a different version if himself, that other version was enjoyingly obedient to law and order...his so-called 'perfection' was the other side of his insanity.
So this all is about ne being impatient and wanting to have a future something with a guy I met once a week ago...yes.
среда, 12 июня 2013 г.
Summerlove
After training and running around all day, shopping for Ibiza, bringing back books, looking for books, I feel rather tierd...yes! Finally the song I wanted to listen to all day-- SCORE!... so I get super emotional when I look around, summer, nature, BEAUTY!!!! Reminds me of everything great in my life:3
воскресенье, 9 июня 2013 г.
The Argument of Ignorance
People are the most self-obsessed, annoying species. Including myself.
Which would be tolerable if they were at least semi-responsible, or had a sense for responsibility and/or the friendship code- respect for others. I strive to do that. Some people don't. So why am I friends with them?
Why am staying in this country, if it's full of arrogant, selfish people with no respect, no sense of responsibility, no manners?
What to do? Be ready to get a sign that will change my opinion of the choice that I have made. Argument of Ignorance.
суббота, 8 июня 2013 г.
A little about this and that- RUSSIAN, aka, my writting-adventure
Моя вечность пахнет лилово-голубым июльским закатом.
Моя вечность звучит в пронзительном крике первой, неспящей птицы.
Город, вновь оживший под тёплыми лучами солнца и манящей сапфирной бесконечностью.
Лето, нашедшее своё отражение в улыбках прохожих, сладкой клубнике,
Белом вине и лае соседских собак.
В музыке, играющей в красном Ламборджини у пешеходного перехода.
В запотевшей машине, перед чьим-то домом в 2 часа ночи- пока все ещё спят.
В тихих играх.
Моя вечность засыпает, когда последний бродяга находит свой путь домой,
А просыпается с первыми лучами солнца.
У моей вечности пронзительно-синее глаза.
Моя вечность звучит в пронзительном крике первой, неспящей птицы.
Город, вновь оживший под тёплыми лучами солнца и манящей сапфирной бесконечностью.
Лето, нашедшее своё отражение в улыбках прохожих, сладкой клубнике,
Белом вине и лае соседских собак.
В музыке, играющей в красном Ламборджини у пешеходного перехода.
В запотевшей машине, перед чьим-то домом в 2 часа ночи- пока все ещё спят.
В тихих играх.
Моя вечность засыпает, когда последний бродяга находит свой путь домой,
А просыпается с первыми лучами солнца.
У моей вечности пронзительно-синее глаза.
воскресенье, 2 июня 2013 г.
The Cobain syndrome
Objectively speaking, people are fine, interesting, and well even with my 'emotional involvement' I would more often say that I love people. However, I realised that one of the factors that influenced my opinion was that I have distanced myself from the rest of humanity in some sort of way, I guess I'd always imagined myself as a sole particle, so to say... Nevertheless, I have realised that distancing myself from our society isn't at all the best option, after all, I my current existence is here.
So, having said that, recent events have made me more hostile towards certain humans and humanity in general, well more like indifferent to humanity and let's face it, some people are just assholes and yes, I know that this isn't news to anyone, but I always have a thing for seeing the best in people, why? I have no idea. Yet, even if a certain someone does prove to be an asshole after my kind evaluation of his/her character, I still believe that whatever I did see in them is still there. This bullshit makes me confused, sad and dissatisfied. I honestly feel that humans suck and I don't want much to do with them at times like that. What to do? leave. travel. see the world. read the great Gatsby. listen to music. more music. do more sport.
start a fight club? burn something? maybe a cigarette;) xD
So, having said that, recent events have made me more hostile towards certain humans and humanity in general, well more like indifferent to humanity and let's face it, some people are just assholes and yes, I know that this isn't news to anyone, but I always have a thing for seeing the best in people, why? I have no idea. Yet, even if a certain someone does prove to be an asshole after my kind evaluation of his/her character, I still believe that whatever I did see in them is still there. This bullshit makes me confused, sad and dissatisfied. I honestly feel that humans suck and I don't want much to do with them at times like that. What to do? leave. travel. see the world. read the great Gatsby. listen to music. more music. do more sport.
start a fight club? burn something? maybe a cigarette;) xD
суббота, 1 июня 2013 г.
Graduation
Anyone, who ever comes across this little bad boy and decides to read it, BE WARNED: this is an emotional ramblings blog of a bipolar ADHD, OCD me. Thereby, enter at your own risk. This will probably not be very consistent and will definitely die within the next year... however, my state right now, requires this.
Anywho, it's 04:01 am and the first birds just made that awful sound that reminds you that you have fucked up your sleeping time, that it will soon be, well that it already is morning and that nobody and nothing gives a shit about what it is you're feeling here in your room, that life goes on with or without you, that there ain't no way that the birds will shut up and let you sleep now, so all you have left to do is to suffocate in your room with the window closed.
It's the beginning of new life. yes. indeed.
Recent events obviously have been rather encouraging to the development of thought processes inside my head. A few years I ago I used to love the sound of birds singing. What changed? Well, obviously me. People don't change? Bullshit. They do. Of course it depends on the person, but I know that not only do I change from year to year, but I also change from minute to minute.
What am I now? A lost, insensitive, abusive blodge of anger, sentimentality and contradiction. What is there to do? Time will show.
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Anywho, it's 04:01 am and the first birds just made that awful sound that reminds you that you have fucked up your sleeping time, that it will soon be, well that it already is morning and that nobody and nothing gives a shit about what it is you're feeling here in your room, that life goes on with or without you, that there ain't no way that the birds will shut up and let you sleep now, so all you have left to do is to suffocate in your room with the window closed.
It's the beginning of new life. yes. indeed.
Recent events obviously have been rather encouraging to the development of thought processes inside my head. A few years I ago I used to love the sound of birds singing. What changed? Well, obviously me. People don't change? Bullshit. They do. Of course it depends on the person, but I know that not only do I change from year to year, but I also change from minute to minute.
What am I now? A lost, insensitive, abusive blodge of anger, sentimentality and contradiction. What is there to do? Time will show.
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