Dear Friend take 2

Today I dreamt if you, it took 1 hour for you to show up in my dream. All you did was touch me and that was enough. Enough to set the mood for all of my waking moments. They say we dream of the people that miss us. Do you? Why would you? You barely know me. But then again, I barely know you. Unlike you, I have relatively little to lose. On the other hand it is all relative and I know that dreams will stay just what they are. There are too many complications that lead me to a flowing cloud of ether- my emotions. 

Dear Friend

Things have been weird and things have definitely been in my head. As always. I feel that change IS coming, however I may be running in front of the train. I'm not forcing anything, however, me- me is by definition a social step ahead. I am not and will not be mad at anyone. I have the understanding and idleness to not do so.

 I feel that my world is a step away from falling apart at times. Most of the time about 3 steps. Who does one trust and possibly rely on? In the end of the day, one's own desire to live and progress is what pushes you forward, but what if there is nothing to push you and none to support you? What if there is suddenly nothing?

Every sensitive person I know, and I know many, is lonely. And by sensitive I mean someone who is able to process the world with deeper understanding, a lot of the time this also coincides with people with great taste with artistic, musical tendencies, etc. Most of them are lonely, unless they live in a nice lively place, like a shared flat or so. But why then, most of us are lonely and too damn self-obsessed to know that we're not special in this and every friend you have is depressed and lonely too. Why not take any damn interest in someone else's life? Or at least not be such an arrogant asshole when it comes to conversation and mutual arrangements? Hello! You're not alone here with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. You're not alone here in not being able to determine the purpose of all this shit. Be more human with your friends even if you're hurting. Just cause someone doesn't scream "Help!" doesn't mean their feelings matter less and they don't deserve Your Highness' friendship. 

Today's thought: we should embrace our darkest selves and have faith. Which doesn't mean that one should embrace the self-destructive self that goes from one broken interaction to another. On the contrary, one should stop the self-destructive behaviour and listen to the pain. For months now I've been trying to blame my lifestyle for my unhappiness. I thought that being in stable relationship with a loving partner, not indulging in alcohol consumption, taking care of my body, avoiding toxic relationships, having a clear focus on my goals and living alone all confined me in a cage of loneliness. And that meant I was wrong, what I am doing is wrong, the person I am with is wrong and finally, how I am feeling is wrong. I was constantly back bent on fixing me. I've had numerous panic attacks and on-going depression. But, what if nothing is wrong? There is no need to fix me. Because what I am trying to fix is not broken. This state IS the cure, it is the FIX. Of course, as everyone, I have parts that are broken and I typically hide them in social interactions and alcohol consumption and parties and clothes consumption and so on. When all of that is gone, when there is no company to indulge in, when there is no constant happy hormone release, when there isn't a clique to hang out with, when there is no quick fix. I am left alone with me. All of me and of course, no one wants that- to be left alone with one sober self for a longer period of time. Acceptance of oneself is key and I don't think it has to be conscious. I think the only conscious decision we need to make is to let this phase exist, as that is all it is- a phase. Life is cyclic, the phase will pass, maybe after a month, or a year, or two, but one should let it be. Living with your darkest self is self love and without it there is no progress.